What to Do When Your Partner Won’t Work on the Relationship

Hi there,

I get this question, or some version of it, all the time. If this is where you are right now, you are far from alone. Relationships are complicated and they move through many different phases over time. If you are finding yourself in this place, I want to send you a lot of love. It can be a really difficult spot to sit in.

Sometimes a partner will say directly that they are not interested in putting effort into the relationship. Maybe they do not want to go to therapy, read relationship books together, have hard conversations, or try new ways of communicating. Other times they may simply feel like nothing is wrong with the relationship as it is. Either way, something is happening that is sending you a message about where they stand.

I encourage you to have very direct conversations about how your partner sees the challenges in your relationship. I believe it is important to be clear about what you need that is currently missing so that neither of you moves forward with misunderstandings. The clearer you can be with yourself, the clearer you can be with your partner about what you need; they can also share with you how they view the relationship. These conversations can happen face to face, through email, or even through text. Difficult topics sometimes feel easier to communicate in writing, and that is okay.

You might also spend some time asking yourself a few questions:

* What does it mean to me that they do not want to work on the relationship?

* What is my internal reaction to that?

* What feelings does it bring up for me?

* What past relationships or experiences does this situation remind me of?

This is often a helpful place to begin. Understanding the “why” behind your feelings can help you gain clarity about how you want to pursue (or not) more healing in the partnership.

One of the reasons I value attachment theory is that it gives us a way to understand our present reactions through the lens of our past experiences. Many of our responses today are connected to things that happened earlier in our lives. Most of the time we are unaware of those connections until we start paying attention to our patterns and reactions. When we do that work, we begin to take responsibility for our behavior and our healing.

It can also be helpful to ask yourself how it would feel if your partner never changed in the ways you hope they will. Could you accept where they are right now? There is an important difference between potential and reality. You may see that your partner has the ability to grow or become more open, more communicative, or more independent. At the same time, the current reality may be that they are not doing those things. Are you okay with that as it is today?

They might decide to grow later, and they might not. That decision belongs to them. When we step away from the idea that we are responsible for changing our partner, it allows us to put our energy back into our own growth.

It is also worth thinking about the issues you want to address. How important are they to you? Do they feel like deal breakers in a partnership, or are there other ways to work with them? It is also helpful to remember that your relationship will not look exactly like anyone else’s. It can be easy to compare your relationship with what you see other couples doing. That comparison rarely tells the full story (and leaves out details and nuance that really make a difference).

The work you do to become more secure will affect every relationship in your life. It can strengthen the way you show up with your partner, your friends, your family, and your community. Growing into a more secure and grounded version of yourself is always worthwhile. Will that change your partner? I can’t say, and we really can’t predict it. None of us can know that. If the goal of your growth is to change your partner, the work loses its purpose.

Healthy boundaries are essential in this process. As you become more secure and grounded, you may begin to notice your partner’s insecurities or avoidance more clearly, especially if they are not growing alongside you. That can bring grief. Sometimes self-growth changes the shape of our relationships, and occasionally we realize that a relationship no longer fits our lives the way it once did. That realization can be painful even when it is necessary.

I know this post does not offer a simple answer, and in many ways that reflects the reality of relationships. If you are struggling to trust yourself, try to remember that every decision you make can teach you something. When we stay present and move through life with honesty and integrity, growth follows. You are capable of navigating this.

If you have been in a relationship where your partner was not interested in doing things differently, I would love to hear how you handled it. Feel free to send me an email or share your experience in the comments on the blog.

If you’re interested in more support around navigating a relationship where your partner isn’t interested in working on things, you are welcome to schedule a Virtual Coffee with me. These meetings provide a laser-focused opportunity for us to get clear on how you want to move forward and make sure you are making decisions from a place of integrity and care.

Thank you for reading.

Warmly,

Elizabeth