Avoidant Attachment: What You Need to Know
Hi there and welcome! I’m so glad you are here.
As an attachment therapist, mentor, and coach, I’ve had the opportunity to work with so many folks on healing their attachment wounding and showing up fully and authentically in all of their relationships. I’m passionate about utilizing a lens of compassion, care, and integrity when it comes to working with attachment theory. I believe it is in our best interest as humans to deeply understanding ourselves and one another if we are going to truly change how we relate.
One aspect of attachment theory that I feel especially passionate about is the fact that we come by our attachment styles honestly. We don’t get to choose our attachment styles in childhood and it’s only when we develop awareness around the roots of our behaviors and needs that we can begin to change our styles and work toward earned security in our relationships. This is especially true for people with the avoidant attachment style.
I first became aware of the deep biases against the avoidant attachment adaptation when I read a popular book called Attached. There were many reasons I loved this book, but after I finished, I felt…off. When I first picked it up, I was diving in to the world of adult attachment head first, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why the information communicated didn’t feel right to me. When I was able to put my own experiences with anxious attachment aside, I realized that the authors were writing with a strong bias against the avoidant attachment style, with statements along the lines of “if you want a secure relationship, you shouldn’t date someone with the avoidant style.” My own extensive training in working with adult attachment patterning speaks to a very different truth: that our willingness to bring kindness and understanding to every style is what helps us and others heal.
Having now authored my own book, I want to make clear that we have so many choices outside of the binary, black or white approach that many of us grew up with and have integrated into our relationships so far. With support from people who are experienced in this field, boundaries, clear communication, and a strong connection to our inner knowing and needs, we can approach relationships in a way that brings integrity and sensitivity to our histories and experiences, as well as the futures we choose to cultivate together.
Prior to beginning this blog, I wrote extensively about attachment theory as it relates to the avoidant attachment style. I will link those blogs below so you can continue your journey and explore this style in a new and different way. I encourage you to keep an open mind and heart and notice the places where you may have created narratives that no long serve you at this time in your life.
Thank you for reading, and I am so thrilled you are here.
Understanding Avoidant Attachment
Is your partner avoidant or abusive? Let’s talk about the differences
Why you shouldn’t avoid avoidants (this is a bit controversial)
If you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner (part 1)
If you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner (part 2)
How to know if your avoidant partner wants to work on your relationship
Healing the anxious avoidant relationship pattern (part 1)
Is there a problem in my relationship or am I just avoidant?
Everything you wanted to know about your avoidant partner
Anxious-avoidant relationship tips
Warmly,
Elizabeth