Do You Have the Anxious Attachment Style? Here’s How to Heal
Hi there!
Each of the insecure attachment styles has a deep pain point, and for the anxious attachment style, it’s usually something like “no matter how hard I try, I’m still going to be abandoned.” And as someone who has done a lot of healing work around this attachment style, I promise that I know how much it hurts. But the truth is that if we continue on the path of working extra hard to try to obtain love from other people, we are only carving those pathways deeper and they are more difficult to shift.
There are other options! I learned the hard way so that you don’t have to—and I want to show you what this different way looks like.
The first step is recognizing that the anxious attachment style typically stems from inconsistencies in the ways folks were loved our seen in their childhoods. This is not a judgement on your parents (although I do want to say that if you feel some anger or frustration toward your parents or caregivers, it is 100% okay to feel those feelings and work through them—there is something valuable in there, especially when it comes to setting boundaries, which we will talk about soon); I really do trust that most caregivers are doing their best, and these inconsistencies were not intentional but were definitely harmful. Once you are able to see that these anxious attachment behaviors stem from your desire to find something solid and stable in your relationships, a reliable source of unconditional love, you can see why you show up the way we do—usually from a place of desperation, criticism (because you know you deserve consistency), and a willingness to do *whatever it takes* to feel loved. It’s honestly exhausting, right?
Once you understand this, you can put your behaviors and needs into perspective: you deserve love and you deserve consistency and reliability. But/and here’s the tricky part: you don’t get to run over everyone else’s boundaries in order to achieve this. You don’t get to tell other people that THEY are the reason you feel unfulfilled or unloved. Instead, it is your job to be responsible for your needs and stop assigning them to other people who can not (and should not) be responsible for your happiness. And if it were me reading this, I would probably be rolling my eyes a little bit and running through all the times in my mind where my partner definitely did not meet my needs and wonder why not, when all I need is ____________. It’s not that hard!
And that’s where this journey really gets uncomfortable—because you have to face the difficult truth that you are now an adult who is responsible for your needs, even if they weren’t met when you were younger and even if you are in a relationship with a partner who is imperfect and could probably use some of their own coaching or therapy or reading or research. It can be true that your partner has their own work to do, but that work is not up to you. What IS up to you is how you show up, the amount of security you are bringing to your relationship, and the work you do to feel solid and fulfilled.
This is where boundaries come in! You deserve to have boundaries and everyone else in your life deserves to have them, too. I want to name two truths about boundaries: boundaries are kind and necessary, and boundaries help all of us feel safe and respected. You may have learned something different about boundaries in your family of origin, and you have probably gotten really good at betraying your own boundaries in order to maintain connection in your relationships. Healing your feelings around the anxious attachment style is going to require that you develop a new relationship with boundaries. It’s okay for others to feel disappointed if you aren’t able to something for them, and if they decide that it’s a deal breaker for your relationship, then you have the responsibility of staying true to yourself and letting them go instead of doing whatever it takes to keep the relationship in tact. It is also super important that when others set boundaries with YOU, that you respect those boundaries and recognize they apply to you—even if you have gotten really good at figuring out how to meet others’ needs and you feel kind of exceptional. I know this doesn’t feel good, but seeing these parts of our survival strategies really makes a difference in doing things better moving forward.
Finally, recognizing your patterns and actively choosing something that is more aligned and in your integrity is how you put these concepts into action. You may want to do the same old thing (call repeatedly, text how mad you are, threaten to end the relationship, shut your partner down when they come to your to apologize, or any other host of behaviors that I and lots of other people have engaged in), but if you keep doing the same thing, you will keep experiencing the same dissatisfaction in your relationships. Choosing discomfort now is actually in service to your future self in this case. Knowing that feeling weird or scared or nervous now demonstrates not only to your partner or important person in your life that you are serious about this, but shows YOU that you can do this. The little things matter. Choosing to take some breaths and ground yourself before responding matters. Taking a pause in a disagreement before you snap matters.
This work is my passion and my experience, and I am here to help you along the way. I offer coaching and mentoring, virtual self-paced courses (like this one called Healing Anxious Attachment), and downloadable worksheets to guide you as you move down this path. I am also going to link some blog posts I’ve written about this very topic in the past below this post. If you have any questions at all, don’t hesitate to reach out. I am cheering you on and I know that you can have healthier relationships. I’m right here with you.
Love,
Elizabeth
Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Tips
How not to lose yourself in relationships
Healthy boundaries for secure attachment
What you need to know about your avoidant partner (and what they are thinking about you)
a brief guide to new relationships for the anxious attachment style